How to Have Casual Sex: Are You Ready for the Big Leagues?

Casual sex is like a sporting event. Anybody with a ticket can show up and scream their heart out but that doesn’t mean they’ll score.  If you want to be Major League and play ball in the Show, you have to put in the prep work, you have to have a game plan and for fuck sakes you have to follow through.

Now it doesn’t really matter which sports metaphors I’m using or how exactly I construct the analogy…the truth is they’re all roughly the same.  Train, get in the game, score as much as possible, and do your best to make sure your opponent doesn’t hate you when it’s over.

The prep work is all about you.  You have to ask yourself a few very important questions:

1. Can you separate sex and emotion?  Before you put your name on the roster, you better make damn sure the uniform fits (because nobody likes when casual Candice becomes crazy Cathy or playful Phillip becomes pathetic Paul).  Take some advice from those ancient Greeks and Know Thyself.

2.  Can you manage your expectations?  You can’t expect to win a Heisman when you’re playing hockey, and there are no grand slams in curling.  You can’t play expect to pitch a no-hitter throwing ping pong balls.  So when he hugs you close or she kisses your neck, you have to recognize this as a mating call to bang and not misinterpret it as an invite to spend Sunday together locked in cuddles and talking about your innermost fears and desires (unless there sexual and then it’s a very fragile maybe).  Know what ball field you’re playing on and for fuck sakes, bring the right equipment.

The game plan is about you, but it’s also about them; really it’s about how you come off, while you’re getting them off, it’s about performing like a champ and doing humanity (and your gender) proud.  Whether it’s a one-night stand or you’re putting in work for a repeat visit, making sure everyone has an excellent time is paramount; nothing ruins sex like not getting yours.

A couple tidbits worth knowing:

1.  Kissing is important; don’t slobber, don’t pounce, start slow and learn to adapt.

2.  Reciprocity is vital; if she goes down on you, you damn well better go down on her and vice versa.  Or if that’s not your thing then say something before she swallows up some babies or he loses brain cells from a lack of oxygen; that’s how bitter people are made.

3.  Girls, do not fake it.  This doesn’t help anyone.

4.  Boys, asking what a girl likes is not the same as asking do you like that? after every move you offer.  Asking what she likes shows you’re there for her too, asking over and over if that’s how she likes it just makes you seem inexperienced and like you haven’t got a clue; one is asking her what she’s into and what gets her off, the other is seeking constant reassurance that you’re a good lover.  Also, just listen to her…if she’s doing her job and letting you know what feels good and what doesn’t, you’ll be able to tell everything you need to from her breathing, her moaning, her all out screaming.

Sex, just like sports, is all about the follow through.  

If you linger too long, the ball curves off to the right (and you end up in either an awkward so uh do you need a ride home or even worse a balls to the wall um…hit the bricks chick!).

If you bolt too soon, the shot falls short and the team might be out of the finals (meaning the sex was amazing and they probably would’ve fucked your brains out for the next 6 months…on call…whenever you wanted…except you acted like such a dick and left before she finished saying I’m cummmmmmmmmming.

Social protocol, kids.  You have to find the balance between being a kiss ass and an asshole.  Be clear about what you want as there’s a huge difference between “see you around” and “let’s do this again”.  One is a polite exit and one paves the way for another entrance.  Say it with it smile, say it kindly and pleasantly, but say it directly and honestly because nobody wins when you have a confused and enraged past partner banging drunkenly on your dorm room door grown up apartment door at 3am whining about how much they hate you so much right now followed swiftly by a pathetic please just let me in.

So that’s it really, the ins and outs (and ins and outs and ins and outs again), of how to do casual sex right.

Don’t end up the underdog (unless you like that sort of thing) and go after what you want, just be sure you can handle it before you go throwing your pom-poms in some dude’s face or swinging your bat for the fences.  It’s all fun and games till someone gets benched or ends up on the injured player’s list.

And remember, even mighty Casey struck out at least once or twice.