Chuck Norris Would Surrender To My Boobs

After days of short guys.  And feminine guys.  Not to mention submissive guys.  The universe finally cut me a break.  An awesome coincidentally themed break no less.  Remember all that talk about being a "Triplet?" 

Quick Sidebar:  I'm an atheist.  I don't believe in serendity, fate or destiny.  I don't subscribe to "the secret" except under the notion that if you paint your world in positive colors, you'll see things in positive colors, which seems like logic and not a "secret" to me but there ya go.  Finally, I think that if someone is talking about blue blue blue, you'll spend the rest of your day noticing how many blue things there really are...much like reading your horoscope? just sayin'

That being said.  How often do you come across triplets?  In conversation?  In real life?  In any possible shape or form?  I'm thinking almost never.  Like seriously almost never.  But here it is less than a week since I posted The Sunday Profile:  Meeting The Triplets when who should message me on Plentyoffish but a... 

wait for it. 

wait for it.

Triplet.

But wait.  It gets better.  I mean so so much fucking better. 

Not only is dude a triplet which is amazing all on it's own.  But he's an...

wait for it.

wait for it.

MMA fighter!  I shit you not.  Oh and still.  I know you won't believe it.  But it still gets fucking better.

He thinks...

wait for it.

wait for it.

I'm hilarious!  I imagine, my hearing from someone (to whom there is attraction) that they think I'm hilarious is akin to what boys must feel when Jenna Jameson walks up to them and says, "can I practice on you today?" or something similar but you get the picture.

So not only does his message include the "you are hilarious" hallmark of all good messages, plus a shoutout to my "hot boobs" (don't worry in context it was...well fuck whatever, I'm looking for fun not my soulmate and I do have some hot boobs afterall) and for the cherry in my Shirley Temple...manages to reference Chuck Norris (aka has read my complete profile and formed witty repartee back). 


TOUCHDOWN!!!


And I know what you're thinking.  How cheesy/lame/sleazy/another adjective of MMA Guy to message that to me.  And I kind of agree with you.  Had Garbage Man or Tedski messaged something like that I would have been completely turned off...or at the very least neutralized.  But here's the thing of the thing, I readily admit, I hold different boys to different standards. True Story.

Clearly MMA Guy screams summer fun.  I mean honestly, even if the remote notion of a relationship was on my mind...you just can't BE with MMA Guy longterm...by the time he's 45 his brain will be mush and then what are you going to talk about?  And that is why not only am I not offended when MMA Guy says the following thing, I actually find it hilarious, awesome and complimentary (my boobs sincerely wish to thank him in person):


"and i still think even the mighty chuck would surrender to those boobs " - MMA Guy


Yes he would, MMA Guy, Chuck Norris damn sure would.


The unfortunate post-script to this glorious tale of awesomeness that is finding a "Man's Man" goes like this.  We messaged back and forth for a couple of days.  He sent me a link to the fight website.  I got to watch a video of him talk trash about his opponent.  Kinda cheesy, also kinda manly.  Plus who doesn't like being able to see a video representation of a potential date beforehand, fuck pictures, you can't lie in video.  His fight was on saturday.  He breaks four bones in his foot on his opponent's ribs. 

6 week recovery time.

FML.  I don't think an acronym appropriately conveys that saying right now.

Fuck My Life.  Yeah, that's better.

I send him this message.

Aww poor guy...I'm not really sure what to say...I can imagine this must be really disappointing (not being able to meet me, a little bit ;) but mostly because I'm sure this really jacks up your training/etc.) 

Hmm...silver lining? (I'm sure I can find something)
- Think of all the awesome movies you'll get to watch?
- You get to have a comeback...EVERYBODY loves the comeback kid!
- If you were my friend I'd be over there bringing you goodies etc. so hopefully you have some friends who'll do that...everybody loves a little servitude right?
- If we're still talking when you're better...I'll be all cute and tanned from summer sun?
- At least it's better than getting hurt at the beginning of july and missing the best months of summer...this way just when you're all better...you'll be able to enjoy July and August and who doesn't love those months?
- hmm I'm sure there's more but that's all I got for now

He responds.
 
lol you are so cute =D
 
Uh yuh...fuckin' rights I am...so that my friends is the saga of MMA Guy...who I may or may not ever meet in real life...he's a bit like a unicorn that way.  Keep your fingers crossed he gets so bored doing nothing around the house gets a big set of balls, asks for the digits and hobbles his ass out to meet me...don't boys know that crutches = sympathy...jus sayin'.

The Sunday Profile: Spotlight on "The Man's Man"

I.  Am a lover of themes.  It's why I love Disneyland.  It's why I'm practically Obsessed with Vegas (aka Disneyland for adults).  It's simply who I am.  I like the connectedness.  The hilarity.  The relevance.  So in that spirit, this week's The Sunday Profile, is a depiction of one of 27 adult personality traits offered in the ever so interesting book Writer's Guide to Character Traits.  And just on the tiny miniscule off-chance it isn't ragingly obvious...the theme that ties this in is my personal search to find and date, the "Man's Man" as mentioned specifically in the previous post. 

"For reference. I want a man's man. A guy's guy. A lumberjack. An MMA fighter (more on this later). Agression (without the violence). Take charge. Take control. Hairy chests and hyper-masculinity. Build a house. Fix your car. Pitch a tent. You have my number, grow a pair and call me. Where should we meet, "nevermind" he says, "I'll pick something and let you know." "Good time to call?" doesn't matter, don't be afraid of a voicemail. DO something. Do SOMETHING. Team sports and wolfpack guy friends. Sex Sex Sex, my tits, my tits, my lips. Good stance. Strong stance. Confident and looming. Balls of steel and decisiveness. Take me. Take me. Take me."  An excerpt from  Dear Boys, Please Know Your Audience

(FYI, it's pure coincidence that I found this personality type labeled "Man's Man." I was browsing for something interesting and just happen to stumble upon it this morning.)

The Man's Man

The Man's Man appears one-dimensional because only certain qualities are allowed to emerge.  The counterpart to the Man's Man is the Ultra-Feminine.

Internal
- Exaggeratedly masculine
- Coarse; demanding and hard
- Fearful of weakness
- Secretive of any powerlessness or impotence
- Adventurous and aggressive
- Worldly and sexually experienced
- Ambitious; needs to win
- Compulsively masculine with no desire to change

Interpersonal
- Lacks individuality and originality
- Emphasizes male interests; likes traditional male pursuits
- Is inflexcible about masculinity
- Responds to trouble with aggression
- Is likely to have rocky relationships with women; may look for Ultra-Feminine woman

Normal --> Extreme
- Masculinity --> being one-dimensional

Masculinity comes first, before tending to emotional needs or family occasions.  The Man's Man loves sports, guns and physical activity of all sorts, regardless of his aptitude.  Any relationship that requires much attention will be in jeopardy because he is out being adventurous and aggressive.  A Man's Man can work in many fields, as long as they allow time for his real passions; however, bold, risky, careers such as racecar driving would be extremely satisfying.

Examples of this elusive "Man's Man" include Chuck Norris, the Dos Equis Man and My Future Dates, to name a few.  For a further depiction of what it truly means to be a "Man's Man" please read this brilliant post entitled, "A Man's Man: The Guide to Being a Manly Man" by Amputatoes as it changed my world.  Seriously. 

World Changed.

Works Cited

Edelstein, Linda N. Writer's Guide to Character Traits. 2nd ed. Cincinnati: Writer's Digest, 2006. Print.

Dear Boys, Please Know Your Audience

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Dear Boys, Please Know Your Audience

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The Boys of Summer

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The Boys of Summer

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It's My Boy Party and I'll Enjoy Who I Want To

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The Sunday Profile: Meet The Triplets

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Boy Party Snack Bowl: Picking Through The Mix

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The Sunday Profile: They Call Me Chubby Bunny

So it's 11:44pm on Sunday night and dammit I'm at risk for missing my Sunday Profile post completely.  And the post I had planned...still isn't quite ready (I know right! you can hardly stand the suspense but I swear it's worth it!).  So what's a girl to do?  Thank my earlier self for preparing a funny "just in caser."  And I did.  And here it is.  My impersonal personal.  Check it.

Motto: "As Much Fun as a Tank of Helium and a Video Camera"

I'm a: Woman looking for a Man

Interested in: 2 month bonus relationship

Dossier

Oh. Hello. I'm a woman looking for a man and am mainly interested in a 2 month bonus relationship. I won't give you my exact age, but let's just say I am cocaine 80's. As far as height goes I'm medium and plain, but at least my body type is big and beautiful. (Well, that's my perception, which is obviously warped. In reality I'm obese). My hair color is natural, but probably needs highlights, and as far as tattoos I have none because i'm a pussy. You want to know about my profession, specifically how much money I make? Well, let's just say I am deep in debt.

Why you damn well better not date me
I operate on a strict system of rules for behavior, and if you don't intuitively know what they are and act accordingly, I will consider you a moron and move on. I'm judgemental yet forthcoming so you're likely to hear all about the things I dislike about you.

What kind of doomed relationship I'm looking for
I secretly don't have a heart so don't be surprised if I accidentally break yours, it's not my fault, I don't have practice in handling them. But I'm a dynamo in the sack and have soft juicy lips so it's likely you'll be a tortured soul after we break up.

I am much more sexy in person
Love is for suckers
Anti-relationship weapon of choice Projection extreme
How I blew my last relationship I wanted to get married.
My relationship nadir (lowest point) I wanted to get married
Longest Relationship (felt like) 90 years
Shortest Relationship A few minutes
Lamest excuse I used to get out of a relationship I've decided to pursue celibacy.
Best excuse I used to get out of a relationship I can't marry you, I'm going to vegas.

Boy Party Snack Bowl: Who's In The (Chex) Mix?

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My Kingdom for an H Part II - Light bulbs and The Ride

5 days have passed since the H. and the phone call with Garbage Man.

He texts.   He SSD.  Just thinking about you thought I would say hi.

I respond accordingly.  banter.  banter.  back to studying.

4 more days pass.

He texts.  Studying Hard?

Me.  Yeah I'm studying my ass (in retrospect turns out I never typed "off" but he appeared to let it slide)

sexy banter.  sexy banter.  back to studying.

6 more days pass.  I decide to put in some minimal effort.

I text.  How was your weekend...get up to anything fun.

He responds accordingly.  banter.  banter.  back to studying.

3 more days pass.

He texts.  banter.  banter.  back to studying.

4 more days pass.

I text.  Hey Gman...off to Vegas for the weekend...

Him.  Have fun.  Place a bet for me.  Talk to you when you get back.

Me.  Will do.

4 more days pass.

I text.  Back from Vegas.

He responds accordingly.  cute banter.  very cute banter. it's getting late.  We're trying to figure out what he's doing for his birthday aka I have plans on Saturday but are we going to hang out Friday night.

He texts.  Hey SSD, can I call you tomorrow night?

Me.  Sounds good.  back to studying.

Sidebar:  Up to this point he has been very attentive with the texting.  Reliable, responsive...things are finally looking up.  But...I think this too soon.

"Tomorrow night" rolls around....7...8...9...10...are you kidding me?  Though I'm trying not to not actually paying that much attention because I have my final final the next day and it's high-stakes study mode.  My phone has been switched to silent.  Around 11 I take a little peak and find this idiocy.

10:45pm  --  Hey SSD sorry I just been busy call me.
10:54pm  --  Not sure which # to call

Well here's clue you useless excuse for a human being  average well-meaning person?  If you're sending text messages to a phone...it's a cell...that's your best bet...because if you call my house...at this hour...shit well just forget it.  Only here's the thing of the thing.  Take a risk.  Pick one and dial.  But no call ever comes.  Around 11:30pm I decide to send a quick text (I don't want to be a hypocrite and become non-responsive do I?)

Me.  It's late and I'm still studying.  talk tomorrow I guess.

Thursday arrives.  I take my final final.  It goes brilliantly.  I get two different papers back from different classes.  A- and A.  Fucking eh!  I'm on cloud 23...things are peachy keen.

I text.  School's Out!!!  Gimme a shout when you have some time.  This #

no response.

I text.  Did you not get my last text message are you really this busy?  (admittedly a little bit of crazy may be showing but I blame Telus Mobility).

no response.

Next day.  His birthday.

Me.  Happy Birthday.  (I admit this is overboard...2 texts with no response...but just as I wouldn't want to talk shit about a friend's ex only to have them get back together...I don't want to be the bitchy Betty who skipped his birthday wishes if we end up dating later lol!)

no response.

Next day.

Me.  Hey Garbage Man so i gotta say i don't think this is going to work.  you manage to keep in touch for 4 weeks while i study but fall off completely now that I'm done? 

The next text message we send at the exact same time.  Sure it's always possible he responds and then immediately turns his phone off until the following day but this seems little unlikely.

Me.  (technically it's part 2 of one message)  Honestly it would've been cool to hang out but i just think you're too busy and I can't stand unresponsiveness which is a bad combo...makes sense right?

Him.  Sorry been busy.  Going out for dinner.  Probably not going to be able to see you this weekend.  Hopefully ttyl.

No shit we're not going to see each other this weekend.  With the sporadic text messaging I had already made some plans (and even if I hadn't would surely be faking some regardless!). 


HE IS RETARDED!!!!

*Light bulb Moment*

I AM RETARDED!!!!

No I say light bulb moment but let's be serious for a moment.  I am the chick that never leaves a party early (something awesome might happen!).  So I play along...just for a bit...just because I want to see how this plays out...just because though completely frustrating...I'm not at all emotionally invested so I figure it's still heart-safe to keep participating...for the moment.

Next day.  Like he'd only just got the second half of the message now or something.  And admittedly this is where it starts to get a bit not good negotiation-y.  My crazy begins to show.  I'm pretty much mortified by the whole thing but let it never be said that I don't blog  a. the whole truth  b. even when it's my crazy showing.

Him.  Ouch.  I get up at 520 in the morning so I'm in bed early.  Too bad.  It would have been nice to get to know you better.

Me.  Why Ouch?  it's nothing personal.  I just think you're too busy for me to date - don't you think?

Him.  It only matters what you think.

Me.  True.  Guess I was just asking in case I was out in left field or something and you wanted to prove me wrong.

Him.  I could prove you wrong but if your mind is made up why waste time.

Me.  If it was made up i wouldn't still be texting or trying to hang out.

Him.  I'm confused.  shocker.  understandable.

Me.  About what?  (not because I didn't believe he was confused but I figured there were so many possible things he could be confused over I would need him to narrow it do so I could clarify).

Me.  Does this help...I'd love it if you proved me wrong and showed you had time to date me...

No response.  Next day.

Him.  I would like to date but not sure what kind of time you would like?

I don't respond to this right away.  I'm not really sure how to.  It's not like I devised a mathematical equation for dating...like dates on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday with phone calls on alternating Wednesdays and twice on Sunday...I just want to date...and if we're not actually going to see each other...stop wasting my time (and text messages) and I'll get back on the prowl (oh who am I kidding...I mean devote more time to the prowl as I never really left).  Plus I don't like this question on the basis that it's another indication he's slightly retarded (don't normally people know what dating normal amounts would be?) and it makes me feel like demanding Debbie...but I have to respond something (though I vaguely consider just never responding and leaving the scenario as "the cool one" lol!).  I am not though...read on.

Me.  I don't know it's not like a set thing but if i like someone I'd kind of expect to hang out like 1-2 times a week i guess.  Though them wanting to [hang out] would be the most important.

And that my friends is the end of the story.  It's been 3 days with no response.  Sure it's possible he texted and Telus fucked with my social life again.  Sure it's possible he never even got my text.  Perhaps he's logically mulling it over unlikely.  But the thing of the thing is...I've let far more crazy show then I would have preferred and I'm all efforted out.  Garbage Man and I have now known each other twice as many months as we've had dates and although that may bode well for him liking me it does not bode well for a summer of fun and stress less dating. 

Am I frustrated that he wasn't cool and we didn't have a great third date and I didn't get to have some frisky fun and most importantly get that "first sex after the ex sex" out of the way?  Definitely.
Am I sad?  Not at all.
Was the frustration worth the hilarity and few good times?  One Hundred Percent!
Would I prefer the hilarity and good times without the frustration (drama)?  Obviously (give me some credit)
Am I ready for the next fella?  Definitely.


The ride was bumpy sure...but definitely not a deterrent...Onto the next ride...

The Sunday Profile: Your Crazy Is Showing

This Sunday Profile is a bit of a mix bag.  I originally had something else planned for this week's edition but as it's 4:30pm and I'm still working on it, I figured I'd better hit you with something I've kept on hand for such an emergency.

Now personally I feel a bit of an ethical dilemma posting the pics to profiles that I may critique or celebrate.  On the one hand, these people have posted their photos on the net It's a risk we all take with online dating, blogging, facebooking, etc. On the other hand, well it feels a bit judgemental.  But then again, I am judgemental.  So let's get started.  (Plus in the parental way of "you're never stupid, darling, though your actions were really super stupid!"  My mockery and critique will be limited to "actions" and this first guy basically did the same thing to someone he cared about aka douche and thus deservevs it.  Am I absolved?  See for yourself.

The Devilish Dater.        Keep your panties on ladies, this super gem is from plentyoffish.com.  Just when you thought the risk of a relationship wasn't bad enough, what with the potential for a broken heart and all that, here comes The Devlish Dater.  He'll not only move on and attempt to date other people but he'll drag you along for the humiliation and embarassment of it all.  Now on the plus side, he'll never actually GET a date because what girl wants to risk the public effigial mockery that is "The Devil Ears and Beard", so that works in your favor and his misery.  But truth be told, to make a guy that angry, you probably had to do something pretty awful and damaging to him, so at least you have that.  Sadly he'll remain broken until he musters up the courage to show a friend his profile who will then inform him what a psycho he looks like.  He'll promptly remove the photo and the dates will pile in.  He'll move on and you'll just be that "devil" girl he dated once.  So what is the lesson here folks, don't fuck your boyfriend over unless you've first removed all photos of you from his life.  I just hope that I have a friend who will tell me when my crazy is showing.

The second profile is also from Plentyoffish.com (the place that I snag all my winners).  His profile is in regular type, my comments are in red (like a teacher, passing judgement and offering opportunities for improvement).

The Astrologist.

I know its says otherwise but I am a Libra (The site won't let me change the date)

Some Librian characteristics that describe me very well...the good and the bad!

Um...Librian?  no.  It's Libra.  You wouldn't say, some Physicistian characteristics would you?  When in doubt, characteristics of a Libra my friend.

Librans are famous for being peace-loving, idealistic, sociable, easygoing, charming, romantic, soft-hearted, urbane (okay nothing technically wrong with urbane but come the fuck on bridget?!?! could you sound more like a pretentious douchebag) and diplomatic. Librans make the best organizers and the best masterminds behind strategies. (read:  continual failure to take over the world is due to perpetual need to make lists about things that Libra is the BEST at). They can be always counted on to make peace and douse conflicts between team members because their sense of unprejudiced justice and fair play is acutely strong. (To me this just sounds like "at parties when people are fighting I pee on them to make them stop, oh and I like to add lots of unnecessary words into my sentences to make myself feel smarter).

Traits of a Libra:

Desires popularity (not me...shit who wants to be loved...popularity is for losers!)

Loves art

Neat

Dresses up for the occassion (sp?)(notice the lack of specificity, for all we know "the occasion" is sort of like "the situation")
Slight perfectionist (you can’t be a slight perfectionist...the very term means that you need things to be perfect...mutually exclusive my friend)
Narcisstic (note spelling see below)
Charitable
Bossy at times
Plans ahead
Attention to detail (examine spelling of Narcississtic, and Occasion above)
Loves public service (hmm...doing it?  or just the general principle that helping others is good?)

Likes...

Beauty
Gifts (is there anybody who doesn’t)
Debates
Attention
Intellectual conversations (Aww Christ! Good luck with that buddy)
Admiration
Credit cards (seriously...credit cards...are you retarded that’s like saying I like being in debt...I think the correct option might be money or having money or having endless money)
Mingling
Subtle colours, textures (subtle textures? As opposed to my wallpaper that punches you in the face when you walk in the room?)

Dislikes...

Dirt (Dirt...ahahaha...these are just too stupid to bother with)
Noise
Confusion
Sloppiness
Ugliness
Pressured decisions
Being rushed
Criticism (see ugliness and sloppiness above - Know thyself)

This little list of dislikes makes this guy appear to be the poster child for "on the verge of a breakdown".  Noise, confusion, pressured decisions, being rushed, criticism...I can practically seem him pulling out the oozie at the airport baggage check-in right now.


And that wraps up this Sunday's edition of The Sunday Profile.  Tune in next week where we will be featuring something special...The Triplets.